Sometimes, as a therapist, I see themes pop up in my work. They might only last a day or two, where several sessions coalesce around the same types of problems, epiphanies, or concepts. Or, sometimes, a theme can last for an entire season, as several clients tackle a similar life task or hit a certain stage of trauma recovery at the same time. Occasionally—and this can get super trippy—the themes that crop up in my work are the same ones I’m working on in my personal life, and my sessions with clients become a parallel process where I’m constantly navigating how much to disclose as I struggle through similar issues. (Therapists are people, too.)
Lately, the theme has been dating. As my work has pushed me to explore new dimensions of attachment theory, I want to share what I’m learning about dating, attachment, oxytocin, and trauma. In this three-part post (see part two and part three), I’ll take you on a walk through some of the basic components of dating, and hopefully by the end, you’ll have gained some valuable insights, a few new ideas, and a couple of things to try out the next time you swipe right.
Beginning Dating—Dating Intentionally
Let’s face it—we all come to dating with a desperate desire to be liked. I want him to think I’m attractive. I want her to think I’m funny. I want them to want me. We bring a lifetime of insecurities to our dating lives, in the hopes that a new person’s approval will soothe the ache of rejection and not-good-enough-ness that we’ve fought since childhood. This is normal.
One consequence of this normal urge to present our most likeable selves, however, is that we can get so focused on Do they like me? that we miss opportunities to determine if this person could actually be the kind of partner we need. When we get lost in trying to charm and be charmed, we can accidentally ignore the most important part of the early dating experience. The most common piece of advice I give people when it comes to improving their dating lives is to become intentional in how they are getting to know someone.
What does it mean to be intentional in early dating? It can mean asking questions of substance—not just “What do you do for work?” but “Where do you find satisfaction in life?” Not just “What type of relationship are you looking for?” but “What did you learn from your last relationship?” It can mean observing how your body feels in someone else’s presence—tightness and urgency? softness and warmth? It can mean texting someone after a first date, How was that for you? and then sharing what the experience of being with them felt like for you. It can mean noticing how they respond to your incremental self-disclosures and what their responses feel like in your body. Do they respond with reflection, a deepening question, or self-disclosure of their own? Or do they change the subject, make a joke, or guard their own story? It can mean noticing what parts of yourself you bring forward and what parts you feel like you have to hold back, whether the relationship is growing deeper or just steamier, or whether the excitement you’re feeling is really just the drama of pursuing someone who is only intermittently emotionally available.
One key component of dating intentionally is that you’re unlikely to be successful at it if you’re desperate to stop being single. The anxiety of feeling alone or the societal belief that we’re incomplete without a partner can create more urgency around dating than is helpful. But when you date from a place of abundance—when you have created a satisfying and meaningful life without a partner, and you’re seeking a partner to add to your happiness rather than to give you happiness—then you have some stable ground on which to stand if you need to say no to someone who isn’t a good fit for you. Turning even a bad match down is hard to do when it feels like your life will cave in without them.
One last note on intentional dating: If you like someone, TELL THEM! We are all adults now. We don’t have to play adolescent games like hard-to-get or does-he-like-me-does-he-like-me-not. We are too grown-up to waste time. If you like someone, tell them! If they like you back, it will make them feel good and draw them to you. If they don’t like you back, you’ll be able to figure it out pretty quickly and move on. So, if you like someone, just spare yourself some anguish and tell them!
Advanced Dating—Milestones, Commitment, & The Honeymoon Period
Some useful information I learned from Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), an attachment-based approach to couples therapy, is that the honeymoon period in a relationship can last up to 18 months. That was far longer than I would have guessed! The honeymoon period is the time in the relationship when you feel all the warm fuzzies of being in love, when the romance is intense, the sex is hot, you see your partner through rose-colored glasses, and you believe nothing could ever come between you. But it always ends. It must! Your body cannot sustain that level of dopamine forever. You would spontaneously combust.
The honeymoon period is magical; it’s the high we’re all after, the divine gift the poets all worship. And it is a beautiful stage in a relationship. It gives us a break from our trauma, overrides our insecure attachment styles, shows us our potential for transcendence, and gives us a precious glimpse of our beloved’s true beauty. It’s precious. Treasure it. Enjoy it. Write the poetry; stay in bed all day together; gaze into each other’s eyes; bask in the glow.
But the stages that come after the honeymoon period are beautiful, too—when there is less dopamine but more oxytocin, less excitement but more security, less romance but more intimacy. Problems can arise, however, when we make huge decisions that will impact the rest of our lives while we are still in the honeymoon period. When you marry someone before the honeymoon period ends, neither one of you actually knows who you’re marrying: you don’t know yet how your attachment styles mesh or how much friction your quirks can cause. You haven’t yet had a chance to discover if this is the person you will want at your side as you raise children, endure financial hardship, care for aging parents, and watch your own body age and falter. In our romance-obsessed, fast-paced, economically-stressed society, it can be hard to wait—and sometimes downright unfashionable. But waiting can also be incredibly wise.
This goes for more milestones than just marriage. When you start using the labels of boyfriend/girlfriend or partner, when you move in together, when you adopt a pet together—for the anxiously attached in particular, it can be tempting to rush these stages of commitment in order to alleviate anxiety. It can help to remember that these external signs of becoming a couple won’t actually protect you from what you’re most afraid of—the pain of rejection and abandonment. What can protect you is slowing down and carefully evaluating whether you and your partner are growing together, meeting one another’s needs, and creating a haven of emotional security.
The avoidantly attached aren’t off the hook, though. While the anxious will want to rush, the avoidant may drag their feet and try to put off these stages of commitment because it feels claustrophobic and threatens their sense of independence. So if your partner introduces a new step toward commitment and your skin starts crawling, get curious. Is it because you don’t actually want to be with them? Or is it because formal commitment raises the stakes and makes the thought of rejection too painful to bear? Is it because things have been going poorly and you want out? Or is it because things have been going well, and allowing yourself to lean in and rely on someone is just a little terrifying?
Another milestone to consider is when you introduce sex to a relationship. I believe this is a highly personal choice that depends on your own sexual ethics and values—but whenever you choose to have sex with a new partner, be intentional, consensual, and aware. Communicate, before and after (and during, if you can!). Good topics of conversation include: What does sex mean to each of you? How have your experiences around sexuality impacted you? What do you each need to feel safe and connected sexually?
Sex is a fantastic perk of romantic relationships, and an intensely motivating factor drawing us toward one another. This is ultimately a good thing; we are designed to bond deeply through sex (keep in mind that I’m talking about sex in the context of a relationship; though I’m casting no aspersions on casual sex, it’s a topic for another day). But it can be a little harder to determine a new partner’s fit or catch red flags when your body is brimming with pleasure-inducing hormones. This new dimension of intimacy will have a significant impact on the dynamics of a relationship, whether we intend for it or not; often, it’s beautiful, but sometimes, it can obscure your vision. Mediocre sex (which can usually be improved!) might dim the shine of an otherwise wonderful relationship, while great sex can distract from critical problems.
In the next post, we’ll look at dating from an attachment-based perspective, and consider how anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles show up in relationships.
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